Kim Jong-un orders North Koreans to weigh 25 stone

In an attempt to bring homogeny to the people of North Korea, Kim Jong-un has decreed that all citizens will weigh ‘around 25 stone’.

Already resplendent in the haircut of the Dear Leader, the entire population is expected to treble in weight ‘as swiftly as possible’.

“Respected Comrade Kim Jong-un has blessed us with his wobbling image of beauty”, announced the Politburo. “He has worked tirelessly through our buttered lobster reserves to become ‘larger than life’ for all our benefit.”

Whilst for many Koreans, adopting the same ‘minge top’ as the First Chairman was relatively easy if psychologically damaging, bloating up without access to cream cakes or rubbing lard has proved more problematic.

“You have plenty of food, our streets run with honey, now get on with it and stop pretending to be starving”, the Politburo dictated. “Those shins aren’t going to splint on their own.”

“And don’t forget to copy his most esteemed buttock rash and groinal infection. Cleanliness is divine, but imitation is the sincerest form of not getting sent to the gulags.”